And God said unto Abraham, “Abraham.”
And Abraham replied, “What.”
God said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, “The one whom I kiss is the one you seek.”
To which they responded, “Gay.”
And thus, god made Eve. And she was bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious.
see you all in hell
what do a bad student and ur selfies have in common?
if u smash snails on purpose ur a fuckin piece of shit they are tiny cuties trying 2 get somewhere as fast as they can pls help them out
um excuse me have you ever had a garden because those fuckers will fuck your shit up i mean they totally ruined an entire row of my broccoli plants in one night i am not even fucking around about my broccoli fuck snails
i feel bad for adults on disney channel like i feel like they wanted successful acting careers but they couldn’t get any gigs and had to settle for being the bald dad or the hot mom on a show for kids
1. Just because I don’t text Or call doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.
2. I hope you learned something from a year and a half with me.
3. I hope when you’re dating this next boy, you remember how many countless times you promised me there never was and never would be something with him.
4. Treat him better than you ever treated me. He deserves it.
5. You made the past the way it was. You’re gonna have to live with it and learn from it. You can’t ever be “done with it” because shit, it already happened.
6. Have a good fuckin’ life.